Back

So Im back up north in Ft. Lewis.

A bittersweet feeling.

Excited to get things back in motion

Sad to leave family behind

Scared for when he leaves

Happy to have a bigger place.

The boys are loving it! 

Probably because they have a yard lol

More space to run.

Its time..

Its time to be out here with my husband

and our boys.

After watching my big fat gypsy weddings

I didnt have it bad,

I was 19 when I married, and my family was still around

These girls marry at 16 and LEAVE their families.

Their husband rules their life.

I dont have it bad at all. 

My husband loves me and doesnt rule my world.

I am always allowed to see my family

Poor girls are just babies and leave their family!

Oh and they go straight into a trailer like the kind you camp in.

Now Im just rambling because Im tired...

Anyways,

Life is going on..

getting better

always going to be a work in progress..

but its worth working for :)

Love my lil rebuilt family :)

Love you like a love song

I have been in a mushy mood. Maybe its because my honey is coming home and I cant wait.

I cant wait for a lot of reasons. Number one, starting to rebuild. Number two, family time!
Putting back together what started to fall apart.
And keeping it together, while he is deployed.
Could be a harder task then expected, but for some reason I have a feeling it will fly by faster then last time.
Maybe because its our second time around, and sometimes the second time around goes by faster.
Also I think with 4 little guys running around Im going to be too busy to be sad and miss him.

One thing we are both happy for is this is our second time around and we kind of have the lingo of whats going to happen. And this time I plan on being more productive into his deployment, and keeping the kids involved and happy while daddy is gone.

Until then we are gonna just have as much family time as we can, and lots of fun too :)

Anniversary

Tomorrow is my 4th wedding anniversary. We will be celebrating it alone, again.

Im kind of used to it tho these days. We celebrated our first anniversary together early before he deployed to Iraq. Second anniversary we celebrated together, days after he came home from Iraq. Last year we spent it separated because of issues. This year we are apart because of training, and next year we will be apart because of deployment, again. :(

When you are married in the army or any military branch these special days are like a grain of sand. When we are together we make it special, and if we arent together we try and make a day closest to it special. Adapting, I have learned is the life in the army. We will probably be spending christmas apart so we will celebrate it early with the kids, birthdays too.

I hope at some point in our marriage we wont have to do this, but for now I guess I will have to accept it. I love seeing him when I can, and celebrating it when we can, but it is bittersweet celebrating when he is gone. We miss him dearly, and he has already missed out on too much. And with another deployment on the rise, he will miss even more.

Its a interesting pickle we are in with the army. Lots of learning, lots of maturing, and lots of love. One thing I have to agree with, when being a military wife, after a long separation you get to re live the first kiss all over again, and damn is it good :D

I love you Charles Ford

Happy Anniversary<3

Memories.

Its been SUCH a long time...

But I really miss hanging out with my best friend

Chlobug :)

We have been friends for 14 years. 

We have had a lot of ups and down through the years

but I still love her like my sister.

Today I decided to rock out to our fave singer

Cher.

Total flash back, but I loved every second of it.

We used to blare it and have our own little dance party.

Great times.

I miss you bug.

Troubles

Im not an angry person. 

It takes a lot to push me to that point.

And when I get there.... 

its hard to get out.

Im angry still about everything that happened between Charlie and I and when I least expect it, it creeps up on me and bam Im so pissed at him I could hit him! LOL.

I dont like being angry. Its an ugly emotion.

I dont like the way it makes me feel. The anger and then the hurt, and then the anger again. 

And sometimes I get that way when I am up in Ft. Lewis, when I see something and think "she was here" and when the twins are crawling on the ground(Charlie never vaccums I swear) and I find long dark hair that ISNT mine...that just grosses me out. Then I wonder, was that hers or some one elses...and my mind wanders.

I cant help it. I just get so caught up in my anger I stir up other things that probably arent true but I still wonder. He lied to me about her and stuff how do I know what he hasnt told me....

I cant think like this. 

I am reading "Love Dare" and it is an AMAZING book. About love and "how to" love :)

I think a LOT about Charlie while reading it. I love him like the book says...I have always loved him. But the forgiveness part is hard to do. Like a suuuper huge hill trying to ride a bike over with a thousand pounds on the back lol. 

But I can do it, for 3 reasons: I love him, I have faith, and I am strong for my boys.

Im not gonna let an ugly picture ruin my hard work NOPE but..it was a definatley a speed bump. :/

 I love Charlie Ford

Even when I want to punch him out 

;)

Dark Cloud

Alright..so plain and simple this isn't going to be an easy process.

Life is hard, it has its ups and downs..and I guess today was a down kinda day.
I found out this morning I am going to have a surgery to finally fix my pain in my side.
I have endometriosis(basically) caused by an c-section. There is a .1% chance of that happening.

And it happened to me :)
Well aren't I the lucky one! Ha.

They will have to cut out the tissue that formed on my muscle wall and then they will put mesh on it to prevent a hernia(kinda gruesome).

My surgery is Sept. 9th and hopefully I will be all healed up by the ball.
Its a special night for us. A special date night :)

Speaking of Us.

Its not going to be a picture perfect romance for a long time. But one thing I can say is that it is a REAL relationship. It has had its problems, we have had a fall out, but most of all we are mature enough to admit our mistakes, work past them and move on forward.

I'll admit its a hard time. I struggle with things everyday, and Charlie too. We love each other very much, but its more then love to fix this marriage. Its going to take patience, trials and errors, love, kindness and a dash of romance to get back on track.

I am confident that when all is said and done, we will be a happier stronger couple,
with 4 little rugrats along with it. :)

Trust....

Hard hard topic...

So since Charlie and I are working things out

We have a lot to rebuild.

One of those big things is

Trust

Its a huge major thing in any relationship

Especially marriage.

And our trust

GONE

He had another girlfriend for awhile, he hid things from me, 

and told me and my family stories.

So that just blew the trust out of the water(like up to space!)

Now, I'm trying my DAMNEDEST to keep it together

and not get too upset when he doesn't call back or at all

But I will say that my mind has a tendency to wander...

I cant say that its "not fair" because he deserves it.

He is the one that blew it all up...

So he has to get used to his wife being....skeptical

when he isn't spitting out whats going on. 

Sitting here at work...just trying to keep my head together.

He will be gone for a whole month.

NOT helping :-/

The things we go through for love

Sheesh!

:)

Time flies

Im looking at old pics on my fb profile. A year ago I was hugely pregnant with the twins, and waiting for the end of my pregnancy...and now I have 2 mobile adorable babies.

Its nuts. During my pregnancy it felt like it was lasting FOREVER, and now its going to fast! Bentley is crawling, trying to pull up on furniture, has 2 bottom teeth and 2 top teeth cutting. Brayden is ALMOST crawling, 2 teeth on the bottom and 2 teeth working their way out on the top. I am so in love with all my boys, and my twins are just the biggest accomplishments. There were times I just didnt know how I could go on! LOL.

This time next year, I will be getting my big boy ready for KINDERGARTEN....ohh my.
And Jaxon ready for preschool.

Oh man we are getting ahead of ourselves.

I love my boys ♥

Finally...

After damn near 2 years of battles, miss communication, drama, hurt, anger, fear...sadness...my love and I are BACK together completely...and honestly this is exactly what I wanted.

No doubt I was so super duper pissed and hurt during our separation, but through all of it we have come back down to where we want to be. It took A LOT of maturing on both ends and different ways. But finally we are back on common grounds and moving forward with this crazy lil family.

Our boys are the biggest reason for why we are pushing so hard. Neither of us had our parents together growing up, I went through marriages with both my parents and step parents, Charlie the same thing, and we can both agree that that is the number one thing we did not want for our boys growing up. They deserve their parents together strong for them. A good home life is what a lot of children growing up these days don't have and our boys were almost in the same boat. But we are changing that.

From now on my love Charles Ford, will be brought up a lot, and in the coming year he is gonna be gone. And we will miss him a lot, but it is what makes him the best daddy and husband around. He fights for our country :)

So along with all this I get to finally be mushy gooshy  :D

Rebuild

Here we go...

Taking the plunge and back together. It started out kind of rough..and I wasn't sure if he was really into getting back to being married. Now..totally different. We are getting back on track slowly and putting pieces back together, working on filling gaps..and our goal is to be a family again and a couple again before Dec.

Its not at all going to be a picture perfect thing. We have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of love and life to rebuild. We totally lost our way...but thinking about how this has been makes me think back to our wedding day. When we were pronounced husband and wife, our song started playing... "The Adventure" by Angels and Airwaves. I now see why we chose this as our song for our wedding day..

This is our adventure, everyday since the day we were married has been this adventure. We have had our ups and downs and sideways and inbetweens..but it all comes back to being one big adventure in our lives. We lost track...we got lost...but that happens. We have come back together, and we are working through this together and getting back on track.

We have an even bigger challenge ahead, another deployment to Afghanistan and also our oldest boy will be starting kindergarten next fall. So for right now we are working on family life, and making things right where they went wrong. Taking our time TALKING and working together. 2 things we didn't really do. Its about us, and our family... ♥

Taking it one day at a time...

Baby steps.

I have a really bad one track mind. 

So now that Charlie and I are "working" on things

 I want to move forward.

I guess I want to move too fast.

What is too fast when you have been married for 3 years?

I just want to feel back to normal.

Charlie not so much.

Lets just remember that he had "some one" else.

So he isnt adjusting as fast.

He tries to say its my fault. I did it.

I cant handle that. 

I never wanted to lose my husband. 

I never wanted to be alone.

But what do you do when the man you love treats you like dog shit?

What do you do when you cant even recognize your husband?

Your family and friends are rallying around telling you that you need to leave
Its not gonna get better, he needs to see what he is losing.
I was hurt. I wasnt thinking....I was just so hurt inside.
So I left.

I guess with him it wasnt the right thing.
He says that was the opposite.

Ok maybe I was wrong.
I was so hurt and confused and I just didnt handle things right

But I want to do things right...now.
I want to make things right.
I want to be happy again
I want to love him again.
I want him to love me again.

In order for those things to happen...

we are taking baby steps.

And I am goingcrazy.

{lol}

Pieces.

I believe we are going to start picking up the pieces.

Our relationship has been through SO much.

Why not take a look at all of the hardships and make it through 

One more.

We have a strong love that runs deep.

Its been mislead, screwed up, and ignored...but its still there.

Why not give it that chance to pick up.

Our boys above all deserve it.

They were SOO happy to see their daddy today.

They didnt want him to leave and can you blame them.

They love their parents...they are the reason we are still trying.

They are the reason to never give up.

My boys deserve the universe and I am gonna give it to them

Hopefully with the help of their dad :)

Ever After.

A favorite movie of mine has been on and catching my attention lately...
Ever After.

When I was little I LOVED this movie :)
Drew Barrymore is amazing in it. Its a swing off of Cinderella.
Its about love, and looking past all of the other things and just loving that person for who they are.
Something that has been in my mind.

Also..towards the end of the move there is a quote that has stuck with me

"I know that a life without love is NO life at all."

It hit me hard with the war in my head.

A stupid war.

About love.

Aside of this bullshit going on with Charlie and him "moving on" I love him. I am still married to him and we have 4 amazing kids together. I want to be a family. I want to try really bad. But I have made up my mind. This is it. He works and we work things out great. He backs out or doesnt try I'm out. Because for some reason..I feel like if I dont give it my all ONE last time then I failed. My heart is driving me towards this..pushing me to just keep going...its whats meant to be. However, his "ex" girlfriend is bugging me still...Ugh this war in my head....

Pray for me :)

A day with the boys :)

Finally a day just with my boys.

Just us.

Its awesome. We woke up I made breakfast we watched Curious George and Cat in the hat :)
Now we are all relaxing before dinner :)

I love it.

I love my boys :)

Obsession lol

I have a new obsession. 

Her name is Adele.

 She is AMAZING...people already knew this so what Im late to the game.

ANYWAYS..it all started with Chasing pavements. I saw it on VH1 and was just blown away by her voice. She just belts out the most beautiful lyrics ever. So I have it on my ipod and listen from time to time. Then Rolling in the deep(#1 song right now) and that was it. OHH her lyrics hit so close to home and the emotion she puts into those lyrics is what makes the song THE BEST.

For all of you who know me..she is NOT my kind of music at all. Soulful blues-ish? But I cant get enough!

Her song lyrics hit close to home with my emotions of Charlie but also her rhythm also is just so catchy.

Ahh its just so good :)

Also she has inspired me to come up with a new type of daily blog thingy lol...

DUN DUN DUNNN

Song of the day

On Vanessa's Ipod :D

Totally nerdy I know...but Im cool like that lol.

Photoblog: Jaden :)

June 2008

June 2008

July 2008

October 2008

October 2008

Dec. 2008

Dec 2008

Feb 2009

2nd Birthday :)

April 2009

June 2009

July 2009

July 2009

July 2009

Aug. 2009

Sept 2009

Jan. 2010

March 2010

3rd Birthday!

June 2010

:) So big...

So many more pics..but so little space. 

I love my big boy :)

Chillin like a villian :)

Bored at work

Is it obvious? LOL

Just sitting here looking out the window at the sun then the rain then the sun lol.

Sitting here thinking about how crazy it is that my little Jaden is gonna be 4 in 8 days.

I cant wrap my head around having a 4 year old son! He is soooo wonderful tho.

So smart when he tells me about the "errf" and how "people live on it and trees and CARS"

He is also getting really good with his numbers and letters. 

Like I mentioned in a different post he loves the super readers! 

Jaxon is following right behind him. Whoa its crazy.

I am super excited for the twins to be toddlers. They are working their way right up there :)

Cooing, giggling and almost laughing. They LOVE playing patty cake, its a crack up.

Yep me and my boys :)

Letter to Charlie

I want to start off with the normal…I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we are in this position. I'm sorry I got caught up in all the pain and hurt from you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you on that bus. Something about you glowed to me. More then just your awesome armbands…Little did I know I was looking at my future husband and father of my adorable boys.
Everyone is telling me to let you go..move on..get a life…He did. I know you chat with all of these girls..and probably meet them. It kills me to think that..because deep down inside I think this is what you wanted all along..but wasn’t man enough to come out and say it. Why? I tried my damndest to be the best wife to you that I could be. When you came home and just barked at me like I was a just a soldier from your company I got fed up..can you blame me? You are always going on about how they treat you like shit, and its bullshit all the stuff you have to do…so I felt that way too..but it wasn’t just soldiers in my job it was my husband, my life. 
I remember talking with you about marriage..and divorce and how it “could” happen. You always shot those possibilities down… “No. That wont happen to us, Vanessa. I love you. I want to work with you through anything. I don’t want to be like our parents divorced and unhappy. We can work through anything.” So..what the hell happened??? You gave up. You left me and…left. You were never really back here with me. Because I can promise you..my Charlie would never have treated me the way you did. You left me to fend for myself. I did my best, taking care of our adorable son’s and myself while pregnant. Waited for you, to make you as proud as you make me.
Now I lay here…without you. Everyday I wake up to 4 little men who have a lot of their characteristics for example Jaden: Mr. Independent you cant tell him how to do anything, he does it himself, his way.  Jaxon: Wild one, always on the move, little dare devil. Bentley: Prince, CONCIEDED flirt! Brayden: Twin. He is spitting image of you.
I know you weren't happy about the pregnancy of the twins..but they are the most amazing things in the world. I have to admit it was super super hard without you. Most hardest time of my life. But I want to look past all of this past year…take it as a learning experience and def. a hard year. I have faith in us…I hope one day you will too.

Sincerely,
Vanessa
P.s. I love you…forever and today

Emotions run wild

So I made the mistake..well maybe not the mistake but I watched army wives. UGH one of the most emotional episodes since the episode where Amanda died. I cried. A soldier died…a son of an army wife. I just couldn’t hold it in. Seeing the funeral and the soldier handing her the flag( a nightmare of mine) I just bawled. There was one scene where she tells a friend “He’s gone…my baby boy is gone.” I was holding Bentley just crying.
I also did the dreaded…thought about Charlie. I cant help but think about him when it comes to that. And honestly what hurt..was that if anything ever happened to him when he gets deployed I would…be inconsolable. Honestly and truly. No matter how much we fight and how he drives me completely up the damn wall…I love him more then anyone will ever know or understand.  Not only because we have 4 of the most handsome boys ever in the world..but he has my heart.
We cant predict the future…like but preparedness is the best we can do. I don’t think no matter what you do in life nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one..

So tonight as I rocked my baby boys(yes all of my baby boys)
I kissed them on the head and told them how much I loved them.

Never say never

I am addicted to "Never Say Never" song

Something about this song is just moving.

I heard it after I went to tour a beauty school. It just made me feel motivated, 

Like I CAN DO THIS, and I can make this work.

Just gotta do it. 

So I am. 

Thursday March 17th

I have an appt with a really good beauty school

And if all works out, 

Im going.