Dark Cloud

Alright..so plain and simple this isn't going to be an easy process.

Life is hard, it has its ups and downs..and I guess today was a down kinda day.
I found out this morning I am going to have a surgery to finally fix my pain in my side.
I have endometriosis(basically) caused by an c-section. There is a .1% chance of that happening.

And it happened to me :)
Well aren't I the lucky one! Ha.

They will have to cut out the tissue that formed on my muscle wall and then they will put mesh on it to prevent a hernia(kinda gruesome).

My surgery is Sept. 9th and hopefully I will be all healed up by the ball.
Its a special night for us. A special date night :)

Speaking of Us.

Its not going to be a picture perfect romance for a long time. But one thing I can say is that it is a REAL relationship. It has had its problems, we have had a fall out, but most of all we are mature enough to admit our mistakes, work past them and move on forward.

I'll admit its a hard time. I struggle with things everyday, and Charlie too. We love each other very much, but its more then love to fix this marriage. Its going to take patience, trials and errors, love, kindness and a dash of romance to get back on track.

I am confident that when all is said and done, we will be a happier stronger couple,
with 4 little rugrats along with it. :)

Time flies

Im looking at old pics on my fb profile. A year ago I was hugely pregnant with the twins, and waiting for the end of my pregnancy...and now I have 2 mobile adorable babies.

Its nuts. During my pregnancy it felt like it was lasting FOREVER, and now its going to fast! Bentley is crawling, trying to pull up on furniture, has 2 bottom teeth and 2 top teeth cutting. Brayden is ALMOST crawling, 2 teeth on the bottom and 2 teeth working their way out on the top. I am so in love with all my boys, and my twins are just the biggest accomplishments. There were times I just didnt know how I could go on! LOL.

This time next year, I will be getting my big boy ready for KINDERGARTEN....ohh my.
And Jaxon ready for preschool.

Oh man we are getting ahead of ourselves.

I love my boys ♥

A day with the boys :)

Finally a day just with my boys.

Just us.

Its awesome. We woke up I made breakfast we watched Curious George and Cat in the hat :)
Now we are all relaxing before dinner :)

I love it.

I love my boys :)

Spring?

Whoa what a crazy week!

Weathers crazy, my son is turning 4...

Haven't heard from Charlie.

Jaxon almost split his lip open.

Its just nuts...and I hope it gets calmer.

I miss the sun. I miss the warmth. I need some sunlight to make me happy.

Its late

Why am I awake?

Lol...

Oh well. 

Im suupperr excited for Jaden's birthday in the coming weeks! He is gonna be 4! Holy shinanagins! I cant wrap my head around being a mommy of a 4 year old. Whew.

He wants a Roary the race car birthday.

Its a new fave of his :).

He and Jax are also in love with the super readers.

An awesome show that teaches reading and spelling.

(I think they like the super hero get up)

They are getting so smart :) 

Oh and the twins?

This is their fave show(also a fave of their bigger brothers)

Lol I think its the flashing bright colors but the twins love this show

I lay them down on a blanket by the tv and they coo and laugh to it :)

SO cute!

What is your child's favorite show these days?

:)

Letter to Charlie

I want to start off with the normal…I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we are in this position. I'm sorry I got caught up in all the pain and hurt from you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you on that bus. Something about you glowed to me. More then just your awesome armbands…Little did I know I was looking at my future husband and father of my adorable boys.
Everyone is telling me to let you go..move on..get a life…He did. I know you chat with all of these girls..and probably meet them. It kills me to think that..because deep down inside I think this is what you wanted all along..but wasn’t man enough to come out and say it. Why? I tried my damndest to be the best wife to you that I could be. When you came home and just barked at me like I was a just a soldier from your company I got fed up..can you blame me? You are always going on about how they treat you like shit, and its bullshit all the stuff you have to do…so I felt that way too..but it wasn’t just soldiers in my job it was my husband, my life. 
I remember talking with you about marriage..and divorce and how it “could” happen. You always shot those possibilities down… “No. That wont happen to us, Vanessa. I love you. I want to work with you through anything. I don’t want to be like our parents divorced and unhappy. We can work through anything.” So..what the hell happened??? You gave up. You left me and…left. You were never really back here with me. Because I can promise you..my Charlie would never have treated me the way you did. You left me to fend for myself. I did my best, taking care of our adorable son’s and myself while pregnant. Waited for you, to make you as proud as you make me.
Now I lay here…without you. Everyday I wake up to 4 little men who have a lot of their characteristics for example Jaden: Mr. Independent you cant tell him how to do anything, he does it himself, his way.  Jaxon: Wild one, always on the move, little dare devil. Bentley: Prince, CONCIEDED flirt! Brayden: Twin. He is spitting image of you.
I know you weren't happy about the pregnancy of the twins..but they are the most amazing things in the world. I have to admit it was super super hard without you. Most hardest time of my life. But I want to look past all of this past year…take it as a learning experience and def. a hard year. I have faith in us…I hope one day you will too.

Sincerely,
Vanessa
P.s. I love you…forever and today

Emotions run wild

So I made the mistake..well maybe not the mistake but I watched army wives. UGH one of the most emotional episodes since the episode where Amanda died. I cried. A soldier died…a son of an army wife. I just couldn’t hold it in. Seeing the funeral and the soldier handing her the flag( a nightmare of mine) I just bawled. There was one scene where she tells a friend “He’s gone…my baby boy is gone.” I was holding Bentley just crying.
I also did the dreaded…thought about Charlie. I cant help but think about him when it comes to that. And honestly what hurt..was that if anything ever happened to him when he gets deployed I would…be inconsolable. Honestly and truly. No matter how much we fight and how he drives me completely up the damn wall…I love him more then anyone will ever know or understand.  Not only because we have 4 of the most handsome boys ever in the world..but he has my heart.
We cant predict the future…like but preparedness is the best we can do. I don’t think no matter what you do in life nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one..

So tonight as I rocked my baby boys(yes all of my baby boys)
I kissed them on the head and told them how much I loved them.

Its happening!

So I had my appt today with the school that I want to go to.

I decided..I'm going. Its going to be amazing.
I felt so right touring the school. I am going to be starting in Nail tech and Esthetics.
My admissions lady told me that if I did decide to add hair later on if I want to I can..so I have that in my head.

My mom is so suuuppppeeerr thrilled. She is going to like live there.
She wants to be my model
I love her.

Dad is just happy that my buns are going to be back in school.
What's also a HUGE plus is this school has a big business class with every course.
Which is a really good deal! I will be able to learn how to have my own business if I want one and how to get clients and keep clients

Basically teaching me how to be successful in this field, because its not like a lot of jobs. You have to build a lot yourself.

I cant wait. I'm going to make my boys proud :)

Hm..

I dont have a title. I dont know what to put. Maybe Im whining..maybe Im feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe I shouldnt watch army wives...it brings me down and then after that show is coming home about military men and women coming home..a very good show...but bittersweet for me.

I hate missing him..I hate seeing him with other girls, I hate thinking of him with other girls. I want to move a long..but he is just stuck. :-/

What do you do?

Nothing. Nothing makes it feel better...staying positive is the best thing I can do.

Im looking forward to my appointment with school, I am sticking towards the positive, I just wish he was here with me.

Ugh...stupid girl hormones and pms.... :(
(tmi shoot me lol)

Aware

My heart is in total shock. I decided to watch the news tonight and saw that there was breaking news about a huge earthquake in Japan. I didn't know how serious it was...until I saw all of the live coverage unfold. Seeing a tsunami engulf a city and farm lands just melted my heart. Some of the areas had been evacuated but not all.
I couldn't imagine how scary it would be being there. The water just swept across the land like nothing. Freaked me out. Then my mind wandered to 2010...
Not a good place for a mommy of 4 mind to be. I am definitely paying attention to my surroundings and I just want to be grateful for my life as crazy as it may be.
My heart and prayers go out to the people in Japan and surrounding countries that have been affected.
May God be with you.

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Directions

I am getting back up on the right path I think...
Things are falling into good places. Still wish I had a job tho(but thats besides the point)
I have a feeling that I am going right.

Number 1

Charlie and I are talking DECENTLY

to each other

(big breakthrough)

Number 2

Another appointment to tour a beauty school

I think this one might be the one I will be going with.

Number 3 

The boys are showing me...

Kind of a hard one to explain.

But the kids are just...givin me good vibes ;)

I hope my intuitions are right :)

Homecoming.

So there is a new show coming on tlc(?)

About soldier homecomings.

Im torn by the show. Charlie pretty much ruined it for me.

I am so happy to see soldiers come home, and see how happy their families are but...Im jealous.

I think in my head "why wasn't he like that?"

 "they are so excited, why wasnt he"

"Look how happy the kids are."

Its so sweet...so bittersweet.

I was soooo thrilled to hold my husband again,

to bring him to his new home, with his kids and surrounded by family...

He didnt care.

Is it bad that I feel like that?
I see so many soldiers dying to get home to their wives and children..mine..was happy to be home
Then wanted to go back.

Enough whining.

Welcome home boys! 

Work it!

So tonight I decided to play my xbox. 

Told Jaden we weren't watching netflix cuz I was gonna play. :)

WHEW it was a work out but it was SOO fun! 

I highly recommend it to anyone who loves to dance.

You have to get the moves right or else you dont get the points and its accurate.

I had just dance for the wii and it wasnt accuate AT ALL so first playing this game I sucked ha.

But I made up :) 

Then Jaden and I raced on Joy ride.

He is good! Beats his mommy every time.

Jaxon stayed at Memaws house tonight. Got some one on one time. 

Its hard without my baby(yes he is my baby still)

But he is a big boy now.

Well off to bed. 

Gotta work tomorrow 

Giggles

Brayden and Bentley have started giggling! 

It is the most adorable thing ever in the world :)

They love to smile and coo at their brothers.

Jaxon cant help but kiss their heads every time he passes them.

They love their brothers.

I am trying to get pics of all 4 together but its hard with 4 busy boys :)

So here is some cuteness for now :)