Off kilter

After the affair..everything just blew up.

When I moved back up here after NTC my mind was set. Get our FAMILY together, LIVE together and BE TOGETHER...as a family...and after finding everything out and learning pretty much everything that I thought was "working" was not real....I have been lost.

I want to be back in that place, before learning what I know now. I feel like if it all goes back to normal then it never happened..but it did. He did..he fucked up...he hurt me..he lost ALL of my trust. So now Im here and I dont know what to do. I want to keep it all together and keep going but it still hurts so much and my mind floats back to the anger and disgust and I am just in this rut. Its like I do but I dont know how to get out of it.

Do I just keep living our lives like it supposed to be and just work on the forgiveness part? Should I keep this house a home even tho all of the things that happened in it? Is it possible to dress it up and make it more like a home and move forward...is that the best thing to do?

Im thinking so considering we have 4 kids and moving is SOO expensive and only for a few months when he comes back home we would be back plus Jaden starts school this fall. I mean its all just kind of there in its place and I need to just look at it and accept it. He messed up..he did us wrong. We didnt deserve to be put in this position, but it is my responsibility to pick up the pieces and keep going for my sons. Because I HAVE to. I am their mommy, I am the strong one, I am the one that they need when it gets scary, just like this morning Jaden came in because of a nightmare, I "took it away" kiss his head and told him if he needed me I was right here. He went back to bed and slept fine.

I have to do this..I am a momma now not a sad teenager. Its hard..I dont wanna do it..but life is what you make it...and this is how it has to be.