Ranting, raving..and moving on.

Its been THAT kind of day. The kind of day when if I look at something and it breaks or falls over, if I touch something it spills. Yep...and I am trying to keep it together...trying being the key word.

Some bad stuff has happened and I need to do my best to let it roll..

I almost titled this blog "mommy issues" for two reasons. One my mom is an issue, and two it was equal rights/gay pride day and its hard being a modern christian mom these days.

Start with number one. My mom is an alcoholic. She has been since I was 12. Growing up with it was very hard, my mom basically chose a bottle of booze or beer over her daughters. She would get wasted to be numb...At first it wasnt so bad, she would be drunk after work and I would do my own thing. Then she started being drunk all the time...

How can one numb themselves from their children is beyond me. I hate taking pain medicine when my kids are around. I refuse to be "out of it" when they are around. Any who, it did its damage....self confidence wise, educational wise, everything wise. I withdrew from a lot....too much in my head to be around. I resent her for that.

Since then she has had a few relapses...being caught up in my own life I just kind of shrugged it off. Then she was doing AMAZING. In school, away from her husband(an enabler) and making goals...until one day I guess she decided not to. She was supposed to come up here and spend the week when Jaden didn't have school. She told me that Randee wanted to come up and see her while she was away from my grandma. I agreed because they needed to talk and needed to work stuff out. Things were great.....and then she was drunk. I told her to come get her stuff and stay with him..I didnt want it around my boys. She denied it all..said I was mad for "whatever reason" she knew what she did but even then didn't take responsibility for it. I let her sleep and was going to rip her a new one the next morning because that WAS NOT ok.

Next morning she was even more drunk...she had brought some with her. I found the empty water (thats her disguise) bottles that smelt to the high heavens. I don't have any water bottles in my house..so there was no other way for them to get here unless she brought them. She was passed out in Jaden's bed ALLL day. He was so upset. This blew me up......I wanted her gone..I wanted her out. She brought Momma Bear out and she is mean(I learned). I called my sister...I didn't want to let it blow up....but it did....and to my surprise everyone said they knew it was coming....this made me sad. I thought she was passed it...I thought she had learned enough and hurt enough that she really was done...I trusted her.

Now 2 weeks has gone by...I have nothing to say to her...Im not ready to forgive her...I am still hurt. She thinks..more like doesn't think she did anything. She thinks we should all move on...yea thats what we did in the past...well newsflash I am not a kid anymore and this behavior I will NOT tolerate. Especially around my boys. So she is hashing out all the hurtful things she can think of...like the affair, loving my dad(she has a jealous issue with him) my friendship with T (she has it stuck in her mind its romantic) and I am just DONE. There is no more hurt here...no more drama. That means her too. Like I said..tough love is tough..but enough is enough..time to let go and let God.

Second...equal rights. I kind of got into a debate about it today and the whole legalizing it. Look...Im a lover not a fighter....I am a christian and I believe in God and the bible..but I believe God loves all of his children...and even though in the bible it says he doesn't approve of it. It is confusing. I see God and Jesus as love...I dont see them as scary mean things. I see and feel forgiveness, and not passing judgement. So it was brought up about our children and how it being legalized will effect them. How? If we as parents teach our children about God and Jesus Christ and what is in the bible what does it matter if 2 people want to marry? I want to teach my children to love like Jesus did and forgive like God does. I am not all for gays....it does bother me a little..I dont like seeing it all over and the whole "gay and Im proud" stuff, but people are people and love is love. If 2 people want to have a love like mine and take care of each other why should we shun them? What is making it illegal going to do? They will still do it. They will still be together...it wont change just because the "law" says no. So why not? Why not just give them the rights to love each other and take care of each other like married couple does?

The only thing I am full on against when it comes to politics is abortion. Now that is straight up MURDER and wrong and disgusting...but watching some shows the "christian" (quotes meaning fake) still do it. Legal or not it still happens. DISGUSTING as it is. That cannot be ok..but people wanting to love each other and take care of each other...there is nothing wrong in that.


All right I got about 60% out and now I really need to go finish homework(since most of what I did last night got erased) yep that kind of day....