Getting back up

Its been a few days, things are calming down on the outside (inside my head I am still freaking out) I have had good talks with my mom and dad...and kind of some with him.

Never have I ever been so hurt and angry at the same time..oh and disgusted.
I have been hurt, I have had bad things happen, I have been knocked, and kicked to the ground.
But this by far is the worst.

I have heard of things like this, and how it can devastate, and devastate fits just right.
Going from being wonderfully happy to so low to the ground you feel like the dirt is so painful
and even worse, this being caused by the person you love the most.

I hate the fact that the lies just kept coming out
I felt like...ok how many more lies do I have to dig out before I get to the damn real truth
if there even is one.

We are now in the recovery phase where he is saying he is sorry and it wasnt right and he was messed up and all the other excuses that come with it. And I am sitting here just looking at him still in disbelief that this is even real.

My heart is devastated, my head is devastated...I keep going back and forth to what did I do wrong. But I didnt. I did everything right. I was supportive, I was happy, I took care of the house and the kids and myself. I provided love and compassion and ears when he was upset. I made damn good dinners and did all the laundry. I was affectionate, I was everything he at one point said I wasnt.

Then my head wanders to the what did I miss. Well...thinking back to when I was home and having my surgery my red flags were flying but I pushed them aside thinking it was only because things were new and we were starting back up and getting over the "other one"

I was so so so wrong....that was when it all was starting. My red flags were accurate and I SHOULD have paid more attention. And all those late nights at the range...MORE red flags ignored. So now he is hiding his lies in his work. The same work that caused us problems before. Disgusting...

Anyways. I have come to the conclusion(kind of) that my kids dont deserve to not see their dad before he leaves for a year because he was a dumbass. He leaves in a goddamned month for hells sake. Im pissed that all this came out when we were supposed to be spending time as a "FAMILY"

Thank you to all of my friends and family for doing their best to help me keep moving, and most of all my boys. They never should have been pushed aside for this "relationship" They are my main focus and will stay my main focus.