Lost.

I have so many things in my head I want to type out..

but I dont think my fingers could type fast enough or long enough.

I know I have said this quite a few times but my heart is broken. I tried so hard to fix it..so hard to push for my love and my family but if its not there...then its not there. I cant keep trying no matter how hard I push. I need to let it go. He has another plan for me. This one just isnt it..obviously. Ha.

But..my heart still hurts. 

Blogging it out, talking about it...nothing makes it feel better so I went back. Laid my love on the line again in hopes it would go SOMEWHERE. And of course it didnt. As a matter of fact I got hung up on. That made me sit and think...if he "loved" me so much like he said he did...he would give us that chance, the chance he NEVER gave. He never tried to push forward for the better, he straight up ignored it all. "You left me" is all I hear. Yes. I left...why? because you LEFT ME and when you came back...YOU DIDNT WANT ME. So I lashed back. Im gone..thinking in my head if he loved me he would try for me back..did he..at first yes. And what did I do...I WENT BACK. Only to get let down and hurt some more. Maybe that was wrong of me..but why am I always the wrong one. I just did what I thought would be best for us. Apparently I was wrong, but what about all the nights you didnt call and the weekends you didnt come down or try to come down, and see us. What about all the drs appointments you missed and didnt try to come to or ask about? Why am I the only one making that effort for you..speaking of..you didnt call AGAIN tonight.

Enough...

Im done. If I keep going this blog will just be a repeat of all the older blogs I have typed about you. I dont want to be that person anymore. I dont want to be down. I dont want to miss you...I want happiness. I want strength. You used to be a positive in my life and now you're not..the boys are. They are worth every sacrifice you never made. 

Just know that I dedicated everything for you, I lost myself in you..but I will get me back. I will build back up and be that better person I made you out to be that your not.

Go and enjoy your craigslist girlfriends. 

I need sleep..

I have babies to take care of.